The Passion of St Tibulus
Father Hernandez, from Cuba, is staying on Craggy Island. During a game of Cluedo, Father Hernandez, seeing Mrs Doyle, confesses he sometimes finds the life of celibacy difficult, at which point Ted mentions Bishop Brennan, who is rumoured to have a son who lives in America. The next day, Brennan himself arrives unexpectedly at the parochial house. Ted hopes that it's because they're being sent back to their original parishes, but Brennan swiftly dashes this hope: they're not going anywhere after the incidents that put them there in the first place (Ted stole money that was supposed to send a child to 'Lourdes' and lost it all on a gambling spree in Las Vegas, a disastrous wedding in Athlone for Jack and the 'Blackrock incident' for Dougal that "irreparably damaged" the lives of several nuns). Instead, Len has another reason for visiting: The Passion of St Tibulus, a film condemned by the Pope as "blasphemous" and banned everywhere else, is being shown on Craggy Island because of an unknown loophole. He declares the Catholic Church must be seen to make a stand on this matter, and orders Ted and the others to sort things out as quickly as possible, especially given that he has been recalled from his holiday in California to deal with it. Ted and Dougal go to the local cinema and find only two other people watching the film, one of whom leaves because the film is in French, subtitled and not dubbed. Originally, they plan to protest before the film begins, but after a polite request from Michael the cinema manager, they agree to watch it peacefully and be thrown out afterwards (to be seen "making a fuss"). That night, Ted and Dougal discuss the film, and rather than debate its ethical or theological aspects, simply agree the film was difficult to understand and inaccurate, as well as sexually explicit. The next morning, the pair decide they'll take their time going down to the cinema and protesting: however, Bishop Brennan returns and orders them to start protesting immediately. Bemoaning the fact that there are still seven hours before the cinema even opens, Ted and Dougal stand outside with placards reading "Down with this sort of thing" and "Careful now". Dougal then goes to the O'Learys' shop to buy a pair of handcuffs, so they can fasten themselves to the railing to gain more attention. Meanwhile, back at the parochial house, Bishop Brennan is looking for his travelling bag, which contains his passport "and everything". Father Jack, sitting in his chair as always, plays dumb when questioned. However, once the Bishop leaves, he produces the bag and examines it. Inside, he finds Brennan's passport, a VHS camcorder containing a video cassette labelled "Holiday '95 California" and- to his delight -a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Ted and Dougal continue protesting earnestly, but their actions have the opposite effect - people now want to see the film, attracted mainly by their protest. As islanders wander in (including Jack), Michael happily declares The Passion of St Tibulus is already the cinema's most successful film since Jurassic Park. Ted angrily realizes that no one cares what the Church says anymore, and decides to leave. Unfortunately, Dougal doesn't have the keys for the handcuffs. Back home - with the pair of them still handcuffed to the railing- they are scolded by Bishop Brennan for making The Passion of St Tibulus the most successful film in the island's history. People have been arriving from all over Ireland and Europe to watch it ("They're even coming from Gdańsk to see the film!"). As punishment, the three will be relocated to locations even worse than Craggy Island: Ted is being sent to an island off Surinam where two tribes have been "knocking the shit out each other" since 1907 and is supposed to unite them "in the spirit of Christian harmony" (and make arrows), Dougal is off to an area of the Philippines (which he can't spell, but he "knows it starts with an 'f'") bereft of sewerage systems and Jack, to somewhere Bishop Brennan swears is much worse, although Jack punches him in the face before he can reveal exactly where. On that note, Bishop Brennan leaves; Ted and Dougal are devastated, until Jack plays the Bishop's holiday video. It shows the Bishop with a woman and a young boy on a beach - his secret mistress and his son. Ted realises they can use this to blackmail the Bishop into changing his mind, and they revel in their good fortune by watching the video a few more times.